What I'm Learning About Me

I've been writing lately, just not publishing. I'm not sure why, but I'm thinking it's something to do with depression.

I have been fighting depression most of the time I've been blogging, mostly because my loss of abilities has coincided with the advent of the blogosphere (circa 2005-06). I deeply enjoy my personal blog because I have the freedom to write about anything. The publishing or lack of it is because I self-censor a lot of it. Either I think it's not worthy of other's attention, or it's "just not quite ready" to show the world.

What I need to be doing is finishing the Christmas letter I publish every year and send out to my friends and family. Yes it's January. It's okay because it's usually a re-cap of the year. Part of me wonders if the "season" of writing those letters is over, or if it's an attempt by the enemy to suppress our testimony, our recount of the way God has worked in our lives. I'm just not sure.

Doubt, obviously, is a part of this depression.

Then there's the other reasons for my depression. I've gained weight again. I'm over "four and a quarter" now.  30.4 stones, that doesn't feel nearly as bad as stepping on the scale does. I am frustrated because I cannot exercise in any meaningful way, and every change to my diet seems to fall short. Please know that this is not an invitation to tell me about your diet or miracle cure.

Chronic fatigue is merely the surface of the issue. I have sleep apnea, which directly feeds the CFS. I have all sorts of neuropathy, but thankfully, my feet don't burn like I've heard others describe. My back is usually hot to the touch and inflamed. It requires ice packs 24/7. My arthritis in my back is not responsible for all of it, either. I have hemangiomas on my spine. Those are benign tumors that, like their name implies, are mostly blood. My arms, legs, back and neck are wracked with spasms unless I continue to take supplements. It's amazing how those supplements help, thanks to a dear friend who suggested them after years of patience and kind prayers. Friends like that are few and far between!

I have skin issues, as well. I have stumbled onto one of the best dermatologists in the state, if not the world. What's worse is that he seems to know it, without my saying so. Colorado is one of the most likely places in the US that a person will contract skin cancer (pdf), so he is in the right place. I get in to see him almost more often than my CFS doctor. The only problem is that I leave his office feeling like a hunk of swiss cheese. I have been lucky thus far.

My hobbies occupy my time, but I don't lose perspective. Much. Sometimes, I feel it's more of a job than a hobby. I just wish I'd get paid for the job part.

I have found out the following in the last year:

• I love maps, with a passion. It's my need to explore. I used to lock myself in a bathroom with the most recent Rand McNally I could find and explore those distant places in my mind. I discovered how pathological this had become when I found out the USGS lets you download PDFs of their quadrangles at no cost. I have over 32 GB of the 7 1/2 minute series alone. Like I said, pathological ...but harmless.
• I enjoy peppermint tea nearly as much as coffee
• I like a peculiar juice blend, but I'm not sure what I can call it without saying a word that would get my blog reclassified by the bots.
• I cannot tolerate soft drinks with HFCS, because it messes my blood sugar up. On the other hand, a little bit of birch beer or a soft drink with real sugar in it is greatly enjoyed and doesn't mess me up as long as I have other food to go with it. This and the fact that I've always been borderline hypoglycemic makes me nervous when I think about my recent weight gain.
• My kids have adjusted to my disabilities much easier than I have. I know that you get less pliable as you age, but I didn't realize how far this extended to psychological aspects.
• Reading the names of USGS maps to my kids can be as funny as anything on TV. It's easy to giggle about names like:
• Badger Wash - How do you wash a badger?
• Bald Mountain - Is it worried about its receding tree line?
• Barking Dog Spring - There's a story there ...maybe
• Bears Ears Peaks - There are two of each?
• Big Hole Butte - 'nuff said

And that's just the B's in northern Colorado.

I'd better hit publish before I self-censor again. Thanks for reading, and hopefully this doesn't come off as narcissistic, just self-absorbed. There's a lot of disclosure here, but I hope I haven't surprised anyone.

Shane & Shane "O Come Emmanuel"

http://youtu.be/QIApy9rd7jw

Why Colorado's Prop 103 Failed

Why this year? Colorado had a state-wide ballot issue on an off-year election this year with the hopes of stacking the polls. Most schools hold their school board elections on odd years because, quite frankly, they're not willing to risk asking the bulk of the population to pick their board members. They'd rather have it on years when voter turn-out is low because the teachers unions can more effectively work to keep their union-friendly--or union-intimidated--board members in power. Likewise, if the teacher's union stands to gain a windfall into their feeding trough via a tax increase, like Proposition 103, putting it through on an off-year election is when it's most likely to succeed.

What happened? The upset was apparent in the polls this week. Colorado voters roundly rejected the tax hike by nearly a 2-to-1 margin, even though commercials like this one (note the lack of inspiring Colorado mountains, Colorado homes, or Colorado anything) pulled at the emotions. HuffPo n' Co. stated unequivocally that school budgets have been "decimated." Heavens. It's enough to make a school administrator reconsider that Lexus purchase.

Why did Prop 103 fail? In short, it failed because of mail-in ballots that allowed the public to still voice enough of a general opinion. The Denver Post article addressed a tax hike's chances next year, saying,

"Maybe when this economy turns around, and people feel a little more confident with their personal situations, people will be a little more willing to talk about it," said state Sen. Rollie Heath, D-Boulder, who led the 103 coalition.

Some advocates had even wanted to mount such an effort in 2012, something [Boulder Democrat State Senator, Rollie] Heath said was now unthinkable.

"I don't think there's a snowball's chance in hell," he said. "In a presidential year? To do what we need to do to educate folks? I don't recommend doing anything in 2012."

Glad to see that even liberals believe in hell, by the way.

Seriously however, Heath was saying that it would be too costly, that too many people would turn out to vote next year for them to stack the polls in their favor. My belief is that unless the economy makes a turnaround in 12 months, the polls could turn even more hostile towards government solutions toward any issue, not just the majority that it's failing at.

I'd like to think that the public's perception is that it really doesn't take a lot of money to educate children. After all, if homeschooling families can both support a government funded school system with their tax dollars and still produce students who on average out-score 9 out of 10 public school students. and entrepreneurs, along with the occasional star athlete, there must be more at work than money. Maybe successful students start at home. On the other hand, others may not see it that way. Maybe they're just ignorant and greedy, like Rollie Heath seemed to say. But I hope not.

Todd: Jobs; Around the House, the Heart Is Where Dads Do the Real Work

I have long followed Todd Wilson, a homeschooling father like me, who goes across the country speaking to other homeschooling dads and moms, unlike me. If I had boundless energy and established donors and speaking contacts, I still wouldn't have the God-given anointing to do what he does to bring homeschooling families the encouragement he does.

Todd's transparency, his willingness to admit his failures to live up to his own ideals, places him in a unique class of legitimacy and sincerity. His tag line, "You da dad!" means simply that each father occupies an irreplaceable role in the lives of his children and that each of us are called to step up and fill the role. It doesn't shift with the changing nature of relationships and the sense of impermanence that pervades today's society. We are the ones who shape the next generation into what they will be, by our presence or, regrettably, by our absence. Our children need things--irreplaceable things--from us as dads that they will never get from their moms or from anyone else in their lives; our approval and our blessing, to name two.

Did I get all this by listening to Todd? Maybe. Or it could be that he simply confirmed what I've known in my heart all along. Regardless, I've grown under his leadership and direction as he teaches by his own life and experiences, which enables his sometimes brutal honesty to cut through all the malarchy and flotsam of being a parent and a person in ministry, two roles I can appreciate more than most.

His latest dispatch from the trenches was about the passing of Steve Jobs, one of the most visionary leaders of technology the world has seen in the past 200 years, perhaps since creation. No, I'm not putting you on, and yes, I'm a PC person. I haven't supported Apple since the Apple IIc in 1985. Yet, even the most hardened PC proponent must recognize Jobs' role in making the technological world what it is today. Nonetheless, Jobs' accomplishments didn't really matter in the big scheme of things. Nor did Newton's or Edison's or anyone else's. They were all human, they died, and what really mattered was who they loved and who loved them. That's true greatness. Todd gives hints of this in his latest update.

Hey Dad,

I hope you’re doing great, but I’m feeling a little somber. It started last night as we were gathered in the familyroom to watch one of the original Anne of Green Gables movies. My oldest son Ben (18) walked into the room and announced, “Steve Jobs just died.”

I imagine it was a little like that evening in the 60’s when they announced that Walt Disney died, especially for a technology kid. Ben is also a techno-kid, so for the last 2-3 years he’s kept us abreast on all the latest Apple inventions and upgrades, Apple stock, and the news that just a few weeks ago Apple passed Exxon as the most valuable company in the world.

Today, the tech-world is eulogizing him…recounting his story, his unique personality, and the gizmos he invented that have helped shape the modern world.

To tell you the truth, I can’t stop thinking that all he worked for, sacrificed for, and cared about…didn’t really matter. Don’t get me wrong. I think all the iGadgets are cool, but I would just about bet that he wasn’t thinking about iGadgets during his last few moments.

In fact, his name will soon fade (my little kids didn’t know Walt Disney was a real person), and someone else will control the iUniverse.

The truth is that some things matter and some things don’t…iThings don’t matter but iDads and iHusbands DO.

So, Dad, go love your wife and children…and change the world!

You ‘da iDad!

There's little to say after all that, except that, the further I go in living with my disabilities, I'm realizing that my role as a husband and a father has so much less to do with my abilities than it does with my heart and my will. I could never lift a finger again and yet be a successful father. Though I can't walk out my love for them by providing for them and working with them on things, I can love them with my heart, my eyes, my words, and my care of their hearts. I will not always have them in my home as I do now, but being a father, as my own father is showing me, never goes away. I will live forever, and I will love forever as well.

Much peace,

Adoption Is A Love Most Wonderful

Something very close to my heart is adoption. No, I have not adopted a child, but I'm very open to it, if finances allow. Stories that feature adoption continue to move my heart. I believe it's because I've grown in my faith to view myself as a child of God, which very closely parallels adoption. Paul repeatedly used adoption to help his readers understand the faith, telling the Romans, Galatians and Ephesians that as Christians, we are adopted as sons (and daughters) into God's family.

Like everyone else born on this planet, I was born into the wrong "family." I did not know God in my heart. I was lost, and, if God Himself had not intervened, I would have died never knowing Him, nor ever finding my true home. He did intervene, thousands of times before I was born and likely many more after. He chose me, not because I was better or worse, happy or sad, or even because I was born to good (or bad) parents. He chose me because He loved me. He made me His son when I had no concept of what that meant.

Adoption is a most wonderful love. It says, "You belong to me. I give you my family and those I dearly love. I give you my name that identifies me, so that you and I are linked together for all time." Perhaps this story that my daughter found on a friend's Facebook page best reflects this. I guarantee you will appreciate reading it.

Walden's Wits Returns

Annnnd, I'm back!

If you have been trying to check this blog recently, you most likely got a 404 error or something similar. It's because a service I was using to bring you WW decided to take its servers down permanently. Oh well. It was free and I got what I paid for. Now I'm using a paid service and I'm happy.

I know I haven't been super prolific lately and I'm grateful for my readers (both of them). I'm okay with it, because I can only do what I can. I'm no longer interested in personal success, if I ever was. I just want to be faithful to God and who He's made me to be by loving Him and loving those around me as sincerely as I can.

What A Pain!

www.painfoundation.org

Pain is something I live with every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day, week in, week out, year after year. I have a pain doctor who works with me fairly well. Others whom I've met haven't been so lucky.

What would my life be like if pain relief was as important as some of the other causes out there? I know the answer would be "Better," but what would we have to say no to as a result? I'm not sure, but in my own case, I'm pretty sure it would be worth it. Pray for me, and the millions like me, who live with chronic pain.

Of Summer, Steaks and Suffering By Comparison

It's been a tough few weeks. Physically, I have more energy, but pain, insomnia, and "fibro fog" have also been high.

Here we are at the end of June already! It seems like only a few days ago, we were sitting down with our long-time friends, Andy and Sarah and their family, to a dinner of the best steaks I can remember eating. They were that good! A slow cook over charcoal made it even better. Great googly-moogly, if you want to make me salivate this 4th of July, offer the following menu!

God Can Do the Impossible

God can do the impossible.

A woman cries over the only son she ever had, lost at the hands of a ruthless murderer. 17 Years later, she has ... well, watch this.



God can help you forgive. God can do the impossible. What you seem to think is irredeemable, unlovable, immoral, and irreconcilable, is not. Instead, it is redeemable, lovable, justifiable, and certainly reconcilable. The body and blood of Jesus is the answer. His death makes all things possible. His resurrection makes us a promise.

Instead of focusing on what I have lost from my disability, I choose to focus on what I am able to do with what He's given me today. It may not be running all over the mountains, jeeping with people and telling them about the love of God. Would I rather be doing that? Sure, but that's not His purpose for me, at least not today. Today, it's sitting in this chair and sharing a story I happened across by "chance."

"It is no secret what God can do," goes the old song. Indeed, God can do the impossible.

God and Debt, Practice and Provision

One thing my wife and I have been trying to do the last eight months is pay down our credit cards and get out of consumer debt. It's one thing to use a credit card to maintain a standard of living that you can't truly afford anymore. It's quite another to be at an absolute minimum and still need things like food and heat after all the money is gone.

We were living on credit a long while before we neared our maximum and could not keep the vultures from circling. We went into foreclosure, nearly losing our house, until friends stepped forward and helped us cure our mortgage under Colorado law.

Since then, we have never been late on a mortgage payment, and hopefully we never will be again, although July looks a bit sketchy because of a downturn in our business. God knows, and he's already there at July with what we will need. I know it. I believe it. He's told us we "will not lose our house for financial reasons." He gave me a "fleece" that came true to the letter, and that's what we hung on to during the foreclosure. If I hadn't received the fleece, I would likely have listened to the folks around me and sold our home to a vulture.

God has stepped in like that from time to time, giving me what I needed to make a crucial decision. It's not my talent or abilities that saved us. It was His word to us and his children around us hearing his voice and obediently giving. Trusting His power and grace to meet us where we were was all we could do. We had no other option.


So where was I? Credit cards. God has allowed us to go into credit card debt. We've prayed and felt His leading was to do what was necessary to provide for us. That may fiddle with people's theology or their fiscal theosophy, but that's where we were. He has always told us in those times that He will deliver us from the debt. But that doesn't mean He will the next time we may run short. It's His provision, so it's His call.

Yet He's also given us enough the last eight months to not just stay out of adding to the debt, but to pay down the debt. But which cards to pay off first? Do we knock off the little ones regardless of the interest rate? Or should we pay down one of the larger ones first? If so, do we pick one with a low rate or a high rate? We don't get any particular direction, spiritually, so we set out to find the smartest way. The answer was a little surprising.

I want to do what brings God the most glory with every aspect of my life, despite--and often through--my frailties. It's not about me, or my finances, or my family's future, really. It's about Him being willing to meet us in our need  and acting to put us in a position that only his Son really deserves. He's powerful and wonderful and glorious in His work. We get what we don't deserve, and His providence is more than enough for what we need. Praise His name!